Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Truth About Dinosaurs

Once upon a time mighty beasts roamed the Earth, carnivores and herbivores, all enormous in size.  This was the age of the dinosaurs, before even the first primates existed, though the rough beginnings of our brains may have at this time been steering the direction of some lizards.

The atmosphere was rich with oxygen at this time, and life flourished.  It is very possible we may never have existed, this wasn't a planet where little guys like us had much of a chance, but something happened, and most of this life vanished, and quickly.  Some say a meteor struck the Earth, killing much of the life and hastening an ice age that killed the rest.

That's the story the mainstream media would have you believe anyway.  However, we here at the conspiracy nut have stumbled upon a massive cover up.  In Kentucky there is a museum that depicts humans and dinosaurs side by side.  It is a 'creationism museum', which roughly translated means 'not a museum'.  It more or less takes the position that the Flinstones got it right, including the part about housewives not wearing shoes.

Since this museum clearly establishes that dinosaurs and humans existed together, the picture of what really happened to the dinosaurs happened came into view.  Somebody murdered the dinosaurs, and the media is still trying to cover it up, using a clever tactic of bait and switch, holding out the bait of evidence and switching out opinions for facts.  Nice try media, but no sale.

Of course now that we know the dinosaurs were murdered, we have to find a suspect.  We don't have one yet, but we have noted an interesting coincidence.  Did you know Kennedy's secretary was named Dino, and Lincoln's was named Sawer?  Please let us know if that turns out to be true, it would really help us crack this case.

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Truth About the Hawaiian Goddess Pele

There is a legend that if you take a rock or sand from the beaches of Hawaii national park, you will be cursed by the goddess Pele.  It is understood that Pele views the rocks and sand on her beaches as her children, and is enraged that you should steal them from her.  Terrible tragedy befalls those who remove the rocks and sand.  The only solution is to return the rocks and sand from where they came, and that's what thousands of people do, often at great expense.

At first blush this seems kind of silly.  Starting with the first part, that Pele has had a whole lot of kids by this point and most parents would be happy if a couple of them actually went out into the world instead of staying home forever, in the sandy equivalent to the basement.  However, we here at the conspiracy nut don't stop with the first blush.  We go at least two blushes deep.

Our research indicates that all religions, everywhere, appear kind of silly.  Some of them believe in floating rivers of the damned, some of them believe in battles fought in the clouds, one of them even believes teenagers who tell them they never had sex, even though they are clearly pregnant.

As it turns out, most things look silly from the outside.  Bowling looks positively ridiculous, but it's actually pretty fun.  So, maybe it's not so ridiculous to be respectful of other beliefs.

In Vegas you can stay at the Luxor hotel, which is a pyramid.  That has always seemed like a weird kind of hotel.  The pyramids are tombs, meant to carry the dead to the afterlife.  It would be like opening a casino and calling it "The Nazarene!", with a giant statue of Jesus, and the doors to the casino are the wounds in his hands.  Once inside you would be greeted by twelve minimum wage actors dressed as apostles giving you the good news about the loosest slots in town!  And what's that?  Someone just won the big jackpot, a bag of silver coins!  I'm just saying if you looked at it from a particular point of view, it seems kind of trashy and insensitive.

Of course trashy and insensitive is relative, and that kind of is Vegas culture after all.   Maybe being garish and weird is their religious prerogative.  We should probably do a little more research, preferably at the tables.  I've got a system, or at least I believe I do, and isn't faith a wonderful thing?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Truth About Evolution

A long time ago there were dinosaurs on this little planet of ours.  Some of them ate plants, some of them ate meat, none of them ate cave men, because there were no cave men in their neighborhood.  Some years later there were cave men, they ate everything except dinosaurs, because there were no dinosaurs in their neighborhood, and because cave men have no manners. 

A little while later some of these cave men moved out of caves into suburbs and then they discovered dinosaur bones and man were they mad.  These bones were mentioned nowhere in their bible, and for these particular primates, that was a problem.  Other primates seemed to have no issue with it, but these particular primates thought no mention in their book meant their god was either a poor tracker of details, or worse yet, not there at all.  Thus a conspiracy was born, that the bones were left here by Satan.

We've been doing a lot of research here at the conspiracy nut on this particular theory, and we have discovered reasons to doubt it.  The main one being oil.  It is apparent to us that god wants us to drill for oil, wherever and whenever we find it.  If it's under your good grannies grave, by god, we need to dig her up and drill.  Oil comes from dinosaurs and other long dead organic life, ergo, dinosaurs come from god.

So the actual conspiracy is, why are these particular cave men so mad about dinosaurs and evolution?  And be sure, they are mad.  They've spent millions of dollars propagating false information about evolution, including creating "museums" that show dinosaurs living with cave men.  They've enlisted their brightest minds, including Kirk Cameron no less, to promote this nonsense.

We here at the conspiracy nut have finally developed a reasonable explanation for their behavior.  Cave men, as I mentioned, eat everything.  You name it, they eat it.  That's why we did so well as a species.  What's on our menu?  Point in any direction, get that thing, kill it and eat it.  But we never got to eat a dinosaur.  They were giant things, filled to the brim with meat, and we never got to kill and eat one.

As a possible solution to this mess, I'm suggesting we stack 10 cows on top of each other's shoulders, teach them to roar majestically, and shoot them.  Then the creationists can do what Americans do best, and eat their feelings.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Truth About Obama

The most amazing thing about the conspiracy about Obama's birth certificate is how it won't go away.  It has never mattered what kind of birth certificate he produces, it will never be enough.  There are those who will continue to say he was not born in this country.  He wasn't, of course, he was born in Hawaii, which is not really in this country, although it is part of our country, just not the part full of howlies like myself.

For a while the demand was for a long form birth certificate, which as you may remember, is a thing nobody ever heard of before.  One theory we have investigated here at the conspiracy nut is that the demand for a long form birth certificate was brought about because members of the tea party, generally the people who demand the long form birth certificate, wanted it for historical purposes and because they like to read.  As it turns out, both of these things are not true.  History and reading are for elitists and homosexuals, not real Americans, who are not elitists and are generally closeted.

A long form birth certificate was produced, and yet still today there are those who believe it is fake, and that Obama was not born in this country.  The argument seems pretty much to boil down to a couple things.  One, he has some relatives from Kenya, two, he's black.  Upon investigation it seems that both these points are true.

Obama has actually produced far more birth certificates than any other President has ever been asked for, and yet the doubt of his birth place persists.  Clearly these people can't simply be racist idiots who don't like an uppity President.  Clearly the things they have said in rallies, in print and on television that sound pretty racist can't possible be racist.  There must be something else to it.

We've done some research here at the Conspiracy Nut, and it turns out the conspiracy goes deeper than you thought.  In the history of our country, based on birth certificates, we have reason to doubt that any president has ever been born in this country.  Even worse, we now can't be sure that any of them were old enough to be president, as we have yet to see a long form driver's license or birthday cake.

Many, if not all, of our presidents were probably felons as well, which would disqualify them from office.  Not one has produced a document confirming that they never robbed a bank, killed a train conductor, or sodomized a duck.  Without long form documentation, we must assume they have done at least two of those things.

These are ugly truths, but we must face the facts no matter how painful or how ridiculous they may seem to people paying attention.  Finally, it must be admitted that there is no Idaho, until someone can produce a long form potato.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

TheTruth About Martin Luther King Jr.

We here at the Conspiracy Nut deal mainly in absurdity.  We believe in the truth of absurdity, but today I would like to put our primary mission away, and get slightly less absurd, and talk about the conspiracy of who killed Dr. King.

James Earl Ray, it is said, is the guy who pulled the trigger.  The conspiracy goes that he either didn't do it at all, or he didn't act alone.  James Earl Ray himself said he didn't kill Dr. King.  Of course James Earl Ray also said he did kill Dr. King, which I suppose means he both did and didn't, which is a pretty impressive trick for such a small man.

We here at the Conspiracy Nut have reason to suspect that he didn't act alone.  Or to be more accurate, I believe he didn't act alone.  Dr. King was a Christian, so I think I would like to look at his philosophy, his faith.

A Christian minister was once asked who killed Jesus.  Now it's a matter of public record that blame often falls on the shoulders of the Jews for reasons that don't make any sense.  This particular minister didn't blame Jews, or Romans, his answer was that he had killed Jesus.  The person asking the question as well, he had also killed Jesus.  We collectively had killed Jesus.  Through our own unwillingness to love our neighbor as ourselves, we killed him.  I don't know about all that, I'm a Jew, but I can't deny we are mostly bastards to each other, and we need to do better.

So the truth is, the very unfunny truth, we collectively, as Americans, killed Dr. King.  Our nation set the bullet in motion by compromising the ideals of the constitution on day one and failing to admit the criminality of slavery.  The bullet continued on its way when we freed the slaves, only to create a new kind of bondage, failing to provide justice to these now "free" men, who couldn't get fair jobs or vote, and who were often murdered without justice being served.

And that bullet continues to move, cutting down men and women of all races in this country even today, as people continue to promote inequality in 2011, ignoring the poor, and pretending to be Christian all the while.

You want to know the crazy conspiracy at the heart of it?  We pretend our founding fathers were good, and were just products of their time.  We pretend the men and women of the civil war era made a breakthrough, but, products of their time, could only go so far.  A conspiracy is when two or more people agree to a secret.  No man, ever, has really believed slavery was just.  That is a lie men tell so they can indulge in evil.  Our founding fathers knew it, the south during the civil war knew it, and men in white hoods know it.  Those screaming the loudest are generally the ones with the guiltiest hearts.

It seems to me it might be time to stop killing him, and start loving your neighbor.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Truth About Noah's Ark

In 2010 a Chinese evangelist discovered Noah's Ark somewhere on mount Ararat in Turkey, a pretty amazing discovery, which some people are now trying to use as a tourist destination.  For those of you who don't know, Noah was the guy in the bible who made a big boat and filled it with animals.  Today we would probably have identified him as one of those weird hoarders you see on basic cable, with two of every animal, plus just lots and lots of old newspapers and collectible plates.  Back then they hadn't yet identified that a person cramming a bunch of animals into a small space is nuts.

Noah did this because God had a plan to murder everyone and he wanted Noah to watch.  I imagine Noah had a lot of terrible dreams after this was all said and done, partly because of the drowning people, and partly because of the enormous amount of scooping he must have had to do.  A have a couple cats and that can be pretty bad.

Evangelical archeologists have been searching for the ark for a long time, because the theory is finding the boat would shut a lot of people up who don't believe a guy built a boat and put every animal ever on it because god wanted to push reset on the planet.  As a side note, no profession ever inspires confidence when you add the word "evangelical" to it.  "I'm taking my car to an evangelical mechanic."  "I'm getting my appendix taken out by an evangelical doctor."  "I got a lap dance from an evangelical stripper."  Try some yourself, it's fun, although I think the last one might be kind of great.

So how do we know this is the actual ark?  Well, he found some wood, carbon dated it, and now won't show anybody the wood.  He filmed a tour of the inside of the Ark, but won't tell anybody where it is.  An interesting tidbit from the Ark.  At the entrance way to the door is a placard written in ancient Hebrew that when translated says "Bless This Mess".

So we are rightfully amazed that the Ark has been found, but here at the conspiracy nut we've made a further discovery that we think is even more amazing.  This discovery was made in 2010.  Over 40 years ago another evangelical archeologist discovered Noah's Ark in a different location in Turkey.  Between then and now, there have actually been dozens of these expeditions to find the Ark, and quite a number of them have been successful in finding the Ark, and the Ark is always in a different location, not always in Turkey, but generally in that area of the world.

So not only is Noah's Ark real, but it's still moving.  That's pretty remarkable considering how old the boat is.  The best explanation for this is that Noah, having completed his task of saving animals for future humans to eliminate, is now running a luxury cruise ship tour of Turkey.  I'm now quite sure how you book passage, but it sounds like a lot of fun.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Truth About Nostradamus

Nostradamus was a French prognosticator who has garnered a huge following.  In modern times his writings have never been out of print, and numerous television shows and magazine articles have been produced examining his writings.  The most convincing part of the television shows I find is always the guy in an old timey costume writing from an ink-well by candle light.  You can't make stuff like that up.

That said, the list of things he is said to have predicted is amazing.  He is said to have predicted many things, including World War II, the holocaust, 9/11, the French Revolution and the moon landing.  All of those things happened, you can look them up, although some people believe not all of them happened, which we will discuss in a future edition.

I think we can all agree that since these things happened, and since people have been able to find these things in his writings, through a combination of interpretations and not understanding French, Nostradamus clearly was a psychic.  However, that's not the end of the story.  My staff and I have uncovered a startling truth.  Based on his predictions, Nostradamus was a real prick.

Each and every one of Nostradamus' predictions have only been revealed after the thing happened.  I know I would have liked a little bit of a heads up about 9/11, but it was only in the months after that people realized he had predicted it.  Same with the holocaust, the French Revolution and the moon landing.  With a little bit of warning we could have prevented the tragedy of the moon landing, but nope, Nostradamus kept that to himself until after the fact.  What a jerk.

Nostradamus it turns out is that friend who asks you at 2:30 to go to a movie that starts at 2:15.  Even if you hurry you won't see the previews and you'll probably miss the opening credits at least.  "Hey guys" Nostradamus said, "Did you hear 7-11 is giving away free slurpees all day?"  "Really?", I said, "that's awesome, I love slurpees." "Yeah, but you better hurry, it's only good for yesterday."  "G-d damn it, Nostradamus, you do this every time."

So there you have it.  Nostradamus:  Poet, prognosticate, psychic, and shitty friend.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Truth About Three Men and a Baby

There are a lot of great conspiracies out there, but one of the better ones regards the 1987 film three men and a baby.  It's great because unlike conspiracies about Jews, the moon landing, the assassination of Kennedy or the Lindberg baby, this is about something really important, a comedy from 1987 that made a little bit of money.

The primary conspiracy is this:  The ghost of a young boy appears in the film.  This young boy is said to have committed suicide in the home that was used for the filming of the movie.  Right away we can see one flaw in this particular conspiracy.  I don't believe any ghost would want to be seen in the movie "Three Men and a Baby" considering that some of the stars of said film don't either.  Also, this wasn't a home, it was a set, and ever since Jackie Coogan, studios aren't allowed to raise children on sets.

However, that doesn't mean there wasn't a ghost.  What seems more likely based on research by my staff is that a stage hand committed suicide during the actual filming.  Consider the evidence.  During the months this film was in production, that stage hand would have been subjected to Tom Selleck and Steve Guttenberg trying to be funny.  The real mystery is why that film isn't littered with suicide ghosts, having only the one.  The fact that Ted Danson, who actually is pretty funny, survived is a miracle.

Another conspiracy is raised, layered within this conspiracy.  Did you know that this film is considered a comedy?  That's right.  Despite the clear presence of a Steve Guttenberg, this film is considered a comedy, not a cinematic cautionary tale.  To this very day, the film appears under "comedy" in numerous publications and movie rental outlets.  Oddly enough, that in and of itself, is pretty funny.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Truth About Shakespeare

Shakespeare just might be the most famous playwright of all time penning such disparate classics as Hamlet, The Taming of the Shrew, and Henry the V: Turn Off the Dark.  It's not surprising that the Bard, as some people call him (his close friends called him "The Tard" as a joke, and he would call them gay), is the source of a long standing conspiracy theory.  According to some experts William Shakespeare was not the sole author of the plays and sonnets credited to him, with some going so far as to say he never wrote any of them.

As the argument goes, some of Shakespeare's greatest works were political in nature and could be potentially dangerous.  So a lowly actor had his name attached to the works to protect the real identity of the writer, often said to be Francis Bacon.  The main proof is that if you pick any work by Shakespeare, you can connect it directly to Francis Bacon in six plays.

As compelling as the theory is, there are some holes in the Bacon theory.  For one, not one bit of evidence has ever appeared, ever, connecting Francis Bacon to even one of Shakespeare's plays, and the only evidence, codes written into the works themselves, has turned out to be nonsense written by cranks who don't know dick about codes.  Outside of this minor quibble, the theory is pretty strong.

But if Francis Bacon didn't write Shakespeare's plays, who did?  When William Shakespeare was 46 years old, the King James bible came out. Hidden in the bible is a code connecting Shakespeare to this version of the bible, the 46th word of Psalm 46 is "shake", and the 46th word from the end of Psalm 46 is "spear".  Based on this fact we have reasonably concluded the the true author of Shakespeare's plays is the prophet Isaiah.  

As further support for this theory, consider the language of the King James bible.  It's filled with "thee's" and "thous" even though Isaiah was Jewish and would have presumably spoke primarily in Hebrew and been bad at sports.  And the simple fact that he was Jewish further eliminates Francis Bacon from consideration because he's not kosher and Francis Brisket was a terrible writer.

Of course now that you know the actual writer of Shakespeare's plays was Jewish it raises the question of just how long we've been controlling the media.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Truth About Vaccinations

In the debate over vaccinations we should look at what the experts have to say.  One of the leading authorities on the subject is noted research scientist, Jenny McCarthy.  In McCarthy's book, "Healing and Preventing Autism" she makes a good case for the connection between autism and vaccinations, a connection strengthened by a now debunked research study by Dr. Wakefield linking autism to childhood vaccinations.  If Dr. Wakefield's research hadn't been debunked this might not be a conspiracy, but as it stands, it seems clear that the medical community is involved in a cover up.  What other natural and simple explanation could one come up with for the fact that his research has been found wanting?

The link between autism and vaccinations is hard to deny.  Since we began vaccinating children, the rate of children being diagnosed with autism has risen.  Now some have argued that this is at least partly because we understand autism a little better as research into the condition continues and we're getting better at identifying it, but I would argue that this just means adults are being affected as well, leading to the rise in diagnoses.  As you know, a diagnoses always precedes a disease, so it seems clear to me that one of the other causes of autism is diagnoses, so it's important that adults stop taking vaccinations as well so we can bring down the diagnosis index.

Of course the question always is, what does the medical community have to gain?  The first is obviously money.  I've had a number of vaccinations through my life and they all must have cost money.  I generally got them for free but somebody must have paid for them, and at that rate a vaccine, we're talking some size of cash cow, either small or large, I don't know.  But that's not all they have to gain.

The medical community is clearly lazy.  Polio has largely been eliminated by vaccines in western nations, and as a result, many doctors will never see a case in their practice.  Way to go, lazy doctors, I'm sure now you can concentrate on your plastic surgery and lap band surgeries, while ignoring the opportunity to cure polio just because it already has been.  Hey, get to work doctors, you can't pawn off your responsibility on medicines you developed.  Get to work!

As we've already talked about, the case against vaccines is causality.  And as has been established by Dr. McCarthy, causation is when one thing happens, and then another thing also happens.  Here at the Conspiracy Nut offices we've done some research, and we've discovered that the harm vaccines cause is not limited to Autism.

Since the advent of vaccines, gang activity in America is on the rise.  We have also seen a rise in the rate of childhood obesity.  Firefly was cancelled.  A perfectly good movie, the Matrix, was ruined by subpar sequels, thanks to vaccines.  Conan lost the Tonight Show.  There still isn't peace in the middle east, even though some people sort of want it, thanks to vaccines.  And of course we all know that lollypops cause tooth decay, and childhood vaccines cause lollypops.

What's the solution?  Well, some have suggested you don't get your kids vaccinated, but that's not a perfect solution either, since if you don't get vaccines, your kids and other kids will probably get sick with illnesses that were wholly preventable.  It seems clear that the perfect solution is to have yourself fixed, that way you'll never have to worry about childhood vaccines in the first place, and, you won't have to pay for college, which is also caused by vaccines.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Truth About Global Warming

Full disclosure:  As I write this there is a light on in the other room, and the only body in the other room is my cat.  I hope my cat is reading, otherwise, that's kind of a waste of energy.  That said, I'm not burning the extra energy because I do or don't believe in global warming.  I'm burning it because if it is happening, based on observation of my fellow homosapiens, it probably can't happen fast enough, and I want to do my part.

The global warming conspiracy is one of the simpler conspiracies to understand.  "The planet is getting warmer, we have something to do with that."  "No it isn't, and no we don't."  That's the conspiracy.  As simple as it is to describe, what's not so simple is the list of co-conspirators.  Let's start with the thermometer, which has been fueling this conspiracy with years of false data.  We've been able to count on the thermometer to tell us the temperature, but somebody got to it, and now the integrity of mercury is at question.  I don't know what mercury wants, money, fame, sex, but somebody does.

Even more amazing is the participation of polar bears.  Against their own self interests, polar bears are apparently eliminating a lot of the ice they count on for survival, just to create the illusion that climate change is happening.  It's like I've always said, polar bears are dicks.  It may seem incredible to imagine a polar bear doing something like this, when it clearly works against them, but then again, every year some poor person votes Republican, so we know it at least has precedent.

Of course the brush fires can be attributed to arson, that's easy.  Likewise, droughts are probably being created by the same people or animals responsible for the fires.  I'm not entirely sure how they are doing it, but I think they probably just left a faucet on somewhere.

Okay, so we have our conspiracy, that's a given.  We have accomplices to the conspiracy, revealed my me, to you, you're welcome.  However, we have a bigger question to answer now.  Who is behind the conspiracy?  To put it another, more sinister way, who has the most to gain from creating a warming trend on our planet that isn't actually happening?  After much careful thought and research, the answer seems clear.  It's the Bonobo.

The Bonobo are one of our closest primate relatives, yet they never call, preferring to stick with their friends.  Clearly they are bucking for top food chain status, and given their short stature, a direct assault isn't practical.  Their best bet would be to compromise the food chain, since they know we haven't quite mastered the notion of cooperation, and ultimately we'll eliminate ourselves in that new environment.  Then they'll be free to swoop in, eat fruit, have lots of sex and share stuff with each other like the liberal wack jobs they are.

So what do we do, now that we've identified the threat Bonobos pose?  Immediate actions don't come to mind, but I take solace in the fact that one by one we've been able to eliminate a lot of species, so I think experience is on our side.  If there's one thing we're good at, it's killing things.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Truth About Elvis Presley

I remember the day Elvis died pretty vividly.  First, I remember that I was kind of a fan before he died.  Then I remember being a really big fan after he died, buying a lot of crap, including "collector" magazines with recycled publicity photos.  (The word "collector" should be legally protected, the way France protects the word "Champagne".) That kind of thing happens when people die, famous people more so.  When Michael Jackson passed you saw a similar phenomena.  Anything about the person that made you uncomfortable or angry before seemed instantly small, because they were presumed dead, and as such, pretty harmless.  I'm still an Elvis fan, I just don't own as much crap.

The rumor about Elvis is that he never actually died.  The speculation is that he faked his own death, having tired of the trappings of fame.  From what I know about Elvis, he's definitely a guy who didn't enjoy being famous, and he certainly didn't enjoy the life of excess it affords you, because one thing we can say for sure about Elvis, he was restrained.  

The evidence for Elvis still being alive is sparse.  For one thing, no Elvis.  If he were alive, we would expect an Elvis.  Consider the case of Tim Robbins.  If you ever thought Tim Robbins were dead, you would be proved wrong by the over abundance of Tim Robbins.  We currently have as much Tim Robbins in our country, possibly more, as any other time in our history.  

However we shouldn't discount the possibility outright.  We should take into account the circumstances not of his death, but immediately following his death, for they do suggest some kind of cover up.  Let's consider first, who Elvis Presley was (is).  Elvis is the king of rock and roll.  This is a crown he acquired in the 1950's and held onto until his alleged passing.  Assuming he died, what happened to his crown?

All monarchies work in more or less the same way.  When the king passes away, an heir takes his place on the thrown.  Of course Elvis never sired a son, he had a daughter, yet she was never declared Queen and never took her rightful place as ruler of Memphis.  Currently Memphis remains as lawless as it became in the first weeks after the king disappeared.  Pirates roam the waters surrounding Memphis with brazen abandon, and what is the only safe haven in Memphis?  Graceland.  Is it possible the King is still there, trying to sire a son?  Or, was the royal family forced into exile, planning their return once support has been marshaled? 

The political silence from the governments of the world is deafening.  Have you ever heard the President mention this issue once?  Have you ever even heard anyone in recent memory reference Memphis as an independent kingdom?  The very fact that I have referenced it here should tell you something about the veracity of the claims.  These things are written down, and therefore likely to be true, or at least truly written down.  Rest assured, I will continue to raise my voice until the rightful king is returned to the thrown, or until I find something else to do.  I promise.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Truth About the Assasination of John F. Kennedy

As a nation, the day John F. Kennedy was killed stands as one of the worst moments in our history.  It should be pointed out that it was also a pretty bad day for John F. Kennedy.  He was in Dallas for one thing, and this was way before they had an NBA franchise. 

The official report has it that John F. Kennedy was killed by a lone gunman, Lee Harvy Oswald, or "Ace", a nickname he picked for himself (Yep, he was a bigger dick then you even imagined).  However, conspiracy theorists posit that there were more shooters that day.  Their evidence seems to be mainly that there sure were a lot of places in Dallas someone could have been hiding that day, surely someone else was there hiding, otherwise, what's the point of all that grass and trees.  One would think the argument was that this was the point in the first place, to design a place where, if you wanted to kill the president, you would have lots of nice places to sit while doing it.  Compelling, I agree, however, I have stumbled upon another theory, of my own making, that's how I stumbled on it.  What if there wasn't one shooter.  What if there weren't two shooters, or even three.  What if there

Think about it.  How many people do you know who have actually been shot?  Not that many right?  Most people go their whole life without being shot.  Wyatt Earp was never shot, and he was a jackass.  Yet with all these people never getting shot, we're supposed to believe that the President, a guy who definitely didn't want to get shot, got shot?  It doesn't add up.

I believe that instead of being shot that day in Dallas, John F. Kennedy got a pretty bad head cold.  I believe the doctors simply screwed up the diagnosis and now want to cover it up.  The whole time with John F. Kennedy saying "seriously guys, I'm just fine."  Even today, he's actually perfectly fine, trying to explain to people that he's not dead, never was, and that he should be allowed to finish his term.  But the medical establishment have to big a stake in their credibility to allow the truth to come out, so everytime someone says "Hey, is't that John F. Kennedy?" they say, no, that's a duck.

Someday I hope the truth will come out.  Until then, I'm here to say things that sound crazy, but aren't, if they are true.  If they aren't true, well yeah, they're pretty crazy.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Truth About The Moon Landing

For years we have been told that the United States managed to land astronauts on the moon.  We have also been told that we didn't land astronauts on the moon, it was a hoax, perpetrated by the government in collusion with hollywood.  Maybe the actual truth lies somewhere in between.  Somewhere in a realm I like to call, the something zone.  I don't know, some kind of zone.  Like an area of weirdness.  I'll think of it later, it's not important now.  The important thing is I believe I have blown open the truth about the moon landing, and the truth is, it was slightly faked.  Let's look at the evidence:
Here is an iconic image we are all familiar with, a flag on the moon.  The standard NASA claim is that this is the location on the moon where we landed.  The fact is, that's just not possible.  Imagine that we had landed at this location on the moon.  What would have happened to that flag?  Think about it, it would have been crushed by the space ship!  I suppose you could argue that the space ship wasn't very heavy and that it's balanced on top of the flag, but if that's the case, where is it?  Wouldn't we be able to see the space ship in the photo?

No, I think the facts speak for themselves.  This is not where we landed on the moon.  We must have landed somewhere to the right or left of the flag, possibly in front of, but probably not behind.

My fellow citizens, you have been hoodwinked, but now you know better.  Spread the word.  We did not land on the moon in the exact position we were told.  We did land there, sure, and that's pretty cool.  You can also tell people that.