Friday, August 19, 2011

The Truth About Nostradamus

Nostradamus was a French prognosticator who has garnered a huge following.  In modern times his writings have never been out of print, and numerous television shows and magazine articles have been produced examining his writings.  The most convincing part of the television shows I find is always the guy in an old timey costume writing from an ink-well by candle light.  You can't make stuff like that up.

That said, the list of things he is said to have predicted is amazing.  He is said to have predicted many things, including World War II, the holocaust, 9/11, the French Revolution and the moon landing.  All of those things happened, you can look them up, although some people believe not all of them happened, which we will discuss in a future edition.

I think we can all agree that since these things happened, and since people have been able to find these things in his writings, through a combination of interpretations and not understanding French, Nostradamus clearly was a psychic.  However, that's not the end of the story.  My staff and I have uncovered a startling truth.  Based on his predictions, Nostradamus was a real prick.

Each and every one of Nostradamus' predictions have only been revealed after the thing happened.  I know I would have liked a little bit of a heads up about 9/11, but it was only in the months after that people realized he had predicted it.  Same with the holocaust, the French Revolution and the moon landing.  With a little bit of warning we could have prevented the tragedy of the moon landing, but nope, Nostradamus kept that to himself until after the fact.  What a jerk.

Nostradamus it turns out is that friend who asks you at 2:30 to go to a movie that starts at 2:15.  Even if you hurry you won't see the previews and you'll probably miss the opening credits at least.  "Hey guys" Nostradamus said, "Did you hear 7-11 is giving away free slurpees all day?"  "Really?", I said, "that's awesome, I love slurpees." "Yeah, but you better hurry, it's only good for yesterday."  "G-d damn it, Nostradamus, you do this every time."

So there you have it.  Nostradamus:  Poet, prognosticate, psychic, and shitty friend.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Truth About Three Men and a Baby

There are a lot of great conspiracies out there, but one of the better ones regards the 1987 film three men and a baby.  It's great because unlike conspiracies about Jews, the moon landing, the assassination of Kennedy or the Lindberg baby, this is about something really important, a comedy from 1987 that made a little bit of money.

The primary conspiracy is this:  The ghost of a young boy appears in the film.  This young boy is said to have committed suicide in the home that was used for the filming of the movie.  Right away we can see one flaw in this particular conspiracy.  I don't believe any ghost would want to be seen in the movie "Three Men and a Baby" considering that some of the stars of said film don't either.  Also, this wasn't a home, it was a set, and ever since Jackie Coogan, studios aren't allowed to raise children on sets.

However, that doesn't mean there wasn't a ghost.  What seems more likely based on research by my staff is that a stage hand committed suicide during the actual filming.  Consider the evidence.  During the months this film was in production, that stage hand would have been subjected to Tom Selleck and Steve Guttenberg trying to be funny.  The real mystery is why that film isn't littered with suicide ghosts, having only the one.  The fact that Ted Danson, who actually is pretty funny, survived is a miracle.

Another conspiracy is raised, layered within this conspiracy.  Did you know that this film is considered a comedy?  That's right.  Despite the clear presence of a Steve Guttenberg, this film is considered a comedy, not a cinematic cautionary tale.  To this very day, the film appears under "comedy" in numerous publications and movie rental outlets.  Oddly enough, that in and of itself, is pretty funny.