Saturday, September 17, 2011

TheTruth About Martin Luther King Jr.

We here at the Conspiracy Nut deal mainly in absurdity.  We believe in the truth of absurdity, but today I would like to put our primary mission away, and get slightly less absurd, and talk about the conspiracy of who killed Dr. King.

James Earl Ray, it is said, is the guy who pulled the trigger.  The conspiracy goes that he either didn't do it at all, or he didn't act alone.  James Earl Ray himself said he didn't kill Dr. King.  Of course James Earl Ray also said he did kill Dr. King, which I suppose means he both did and didn't, which is a pretty impressive trick for such a small man.

We here at the Conspiracy Nut have reason to suspect that he didn't act alone.  Or to be more accurate, I believe he didn't act alone.  Dr. King was a Christian, so I think I would like to look at his philosophy, his faith.

A Christian minister was once asked who killed Jesus.  Now it's a matter of public record that blame often falls on the shoulders of the Jews for reasons that don't make any sense.  This particular minister didn't blame Jews, or Romans, his answer was that he had killed Jesus.  The person asking the question as well, he had also killed Jesus.  We collectively had killed Jesus.  Through our own unwillingness to love our neighbor as ourselves, we killed him.  I don't know about all that, I'm a Jew, but I can't deny we are mostly bastards to each other, and we need to do better.

So the truth is, the very unfunny truth, we collectively, as Americans, killed Dr. King.  Our nation set the bullet in motion by compromising the ideals of the constitution on day one and failing to admit the criminality of slavery.  The bullet continued on its way when we freed the slaves, only to create a new kind of bondage, failing to provide justice to these now "free" men, who couldn't get fair jobs or vote, and who were often murdered without justice being served.

And that bullet continues to move, cutting down men and women of all races in this country even today, as people continue to promote inequality in 2011, ignoring the poor, and pretending to be Christian all the while.

You want to know the crazy conspiracy at the heart of it?  We pretend our founding fathers were good, and were just products of their time.  We pretend the men and women of the civil war era made a breakthrough, but, products of their time, could only go so far.  A conspiracy is when two or more people agree to a secret.  No man, ever, has really believed slavery was just.  That is a lie men tell so they can indulge in evil.  Our founding fathers knew it, the south during the civil war knew it, and men in white hoods know it.  Those screaming the loudest are generally the ones with the guiltiest hearts.

It seems to me it might be time to stop killing him, and start loving your neighbor.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Truth About Noah's Ark

In 2010 a Chinese evangelist discovered Noah's Ark somewhere on mount Ararat in Turkey, a pretty amazing discovery, which some people are now trying to use as a tourist destination.  For those of you who don't know, Noah was the guy in the bible who made a big boat and filled it with animals.  Today we would probably have identified him as one of those weird hoarders you see on basic cable, with two of every animal, plus just lots and lots of old newspapers and collectible plates.  Back then they hadn't yet identified that a person cramming a bunch of animals into a small space is nuts.

Noah did this because God had a plan to murder everyone and he wanted Noah to watch.  I imagine Noah had a lot of terrible dreams after this was all said and done, partly because of the drowning people, and partly because of the enormous amount of scooping he must have had to do.  A have a couple cats and that can be pretty bad.

Evangelical archeologists have been searching for the ark for a long time, because the theory is finding the boat would shut a lot of people up who don't believe a guy built a boat and put every animal ever on it because god wanted to push reset on the planet.  As a side note, no profession ever inspires confidence when you add the word "evangelical" to it.  "I'm taking my car to an evangelical mechanic."  "I'm getting my appendix taken out by an evangelical doctor."  "I got a lap dance from an evangelical stripper."  Try some yourself, it's fun, although I think the last one might be kind of great.

So how do we know this is the actual ark?  Well, he found some wood, carbon dated it, and now won't show anybody the wood.  He filmed a tour of the inside of the Ark, but won't tell anybody where it is.  An interesting tidbit from the Ark.  At the entrance way to the door is a placard written in ancient Hebrew that when translated says "Bless This Mess".

So we are rightfully amazed that the Ark has been found, but here at the conspiracy nut we've made a further discovery that we think is even more amazing.  This discovery was made in 2010.  Over 40 years ago another evangelical archeologist discovered Noah's Ark in a different location in Turkey.  Between then and now, there have actually been dozens of these expeditions to find the Ark, and quite a number of them have been successful in finding the Ark, and the Ark is always in a different location, not always in Turkey, but generally in that area of the world.

So not only is Noah's Ark real, but it's still moving.  That's pretty remarkable considering how old the boat is.  The best explanation for this is that Noah, having completed his task of saving animals for future humans to eliminate, is now running a luxury cruise ship tour of Turkey.  I'm now quite sure how you book passage, but it sounds like a lot of fun.