Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Truth About Global Warming

Full disclosure:  As I write this there is a light on in the other room, and the only body in the other room is my cat.  I hope my cat is reading, otherwise, that's kind of a waste of energy.  That said, I'm not burning the extra energy because I do or don't believe in global warming.  I'm burning it because if it is happening, based on observation of my fellow homosapiens, it probably can't happen fast enough, and I want to do my part.

The global warming conspiracy is one of the simpler conspiracies to understand.  "The planet is getting warmer, we have something to do with that."  "No it isn't, and no we don't."  That's the conspiracy.  As simple as it is to describe, what's not so simple is the list of co-conspirators.  Let's start with the thermometer, which has been fueling this conspiracy with years of false data.  We've been able to count on the thermometer to tell us the temperature, but somebody got to it, and now the integrity of mercury is at question.  I don't know what mercury wants, money, fame, sex, but somebody does.

Even more amazing is the participation of polar bears.  Against their own self interests, polar bears are apparently eliminating a lot of the ice they count on for survival, just to create the illusion that climate change is happening.  It's like I've always said, polar bears are dicks.  It may seem incredible to imagine a polar bear doing something like this, when it clearly works against them, but then again, every year some poor person votes Republican, so we know it at least has precedent.

Of course the brush fires can be attributed to arson, that's easy.  Likewise, droughts are probably being created by the same people or animals responsible for the fires.  I'm not entirely sure how they are doing it, but I think they probably just left a faucet on somewhere.

Okay, so we have our conspiracy, that's a given.  We have accomplices to the conspiracy, revealed my me, to you, you're welcome.  However, we have a bigger question to answer now.  Who is behind the conspiracy?  To put it another, more sinister way, who has the most to gain from creating a warming trend on our planet that isn't actually happening?  After much careful thought and research, the answer seems clear.  It's the Bonobo.

The Bonobo are one of our closest primate relatives, yet they never call, preferring to stick with their friends.  Clearly they are bucking for top food chain status, and given their short stature, a direct assault isn't practical.  Their best bet would be to compromise the food chain, since they know we haven't quite mastered the notion of cooperation, and ultimately we'll eliminate ourselves in that new environment.  Then they'll be free to swoop in, eat fruit, have lots of sex and share stuff with each other like the liberal wack jobs they are.

So what do we do, now that we've identified the threat Bonobos pose?  Immediate actions don't come to mind, but I take solace in the fact that one by one we've been able to eliminate a lot of species, so I think experience is on our side.  If there's one thing we're good at, it's killing things.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Truth About Elvis Presley

I remember the day Elvis died pretty vividly.  First, I remember that I was kind of a fan before he died.  Then I remember being a really big fan after he died, buying a lot of crap, including "collector" magazines with recycled publicity photos.  (The word "collector" should be legally protected, the way France protects the word "Champagne".) That kind of thing happens when people die, famous people more so.  When Michael Jackson passed you saw a similar phenomena.  Anything about the person that made you uncomfortable or angry before seemed instantly small, because they were presumed dead, and as such, pretty harmless.  I'm still an Elvis fan, I just don't own as much crap.

The rumor about Elvis is that he never actually died.  The speculation is that he faked his own death, having tired of the trappings of fame.  From what I know about Elvis, he's definitely a guy who didn't enjoy being famous, and he certainly didn't enjoy the life of excess it affords you, because one thing we can say for sure about Elvis, he was restrained.  

The evidence for Elvis still being alive is sparse.  For one thing, no Elvis.  If he were alive, we would expect an Elvis.  Consider the case of Tim Robbins.  If you ever thought Tim Robbins were dead, you would be proved wrong by the over abundance of Tim Robbins.  We currently have as much Tim Robbins in our country, possibly more, as any other time in our history.  

However we shouldn't discount the possibility outright.  We should take into account the circumstances not of his death, but immediately following his death, for they do suggest some kind of cover up.  Let's consider first, who Elvis Presley was (is).  Elvis is the king of rock and roll.  This is a crown he acquired in the 1950's and held onto until his alleged passing.  Assuming he died, what happened to his crown?

All monarchies work in more or less the same way.  When the king passes away, an heir takes his place on the thrown.  Of course Elvis never sired a son, he had a daughter, yet she was never declared Queen and never took her rightful place as ruler of Memphis.  Currently Memphis remains as lawless as it became in the first weeks after the king disappeared.  Pirates roam the waters surrounding Memphis with brazen abandon, and what is the only safe haven in Memphis?  Graceland.  Is it possible the King is still there, trying to sire a son?  Or, was the royal family forced into exile, planning their return once support has been marshaled? 

The political silence from the governments of the world is deafening.  Have you ever heard the President mention this issue once?  Have you ever even heard anyone in recent memory reference Memphis as an independent kingdom?  The very fact that I have referenced it here should tell you something about the veracity of the claims.  These things are written down, and therefore likely to be true, or at least truly written down.  Rest assured, I will continue to raise my voice until the rightful king is returned to the thrown, or until I find something else to do.  I promise.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Truth About the Assasination of John F. Kennedy

As a nation, the day John F. Kennedy was killed stands as one of the worst moments in our history.  It should be pointed out that it was also a pretty bad day for John F. Kennedy.  He was in Dallas for one thing, and this was way before they had an NBA franchise. 

The official report has it that John F. Kennedy was killed by a lone gunman, Lee Harvy Oswald, or "Ace", a nickname he picked for himself (Yep, he was a bigger dick then you even imagined).  However, conspiracy theorists posit that there were more shooters that day.  Their evidence seems to be mainly that there sure were a lot of places in Dallas someone could have been hiding that day, surely someone else was there hiding, otherwise, what's the point of all that grass and trees.  One would think the argument was that this was the point in the first place, to design a place where, if you wanted to kill the president, you would have lots of nice places to sit while doing it.  Compelling, I agree, however, I have stumbled upon another theory, of my own making, that's how I stumbled on it.  What if there wasn't one shooter.  What if there weren't two shooters, or even three.  What if there

Think about it.  How many people do you know who have actually been shot?  Not that many right?  Most people go their whole life without being shot.  Wyatt Earp was never shot, and he was a jackass.  Yet with all these people never getting shot, we're supposed to believe that the President, a guy who definitely didn't want to get shot, got shot?  It doesn't add up.

I believe that instead of being shot that day in Dallas, John F. Kennedy got a pretty bad head cold.  I believe the doctors simply screwed up the diagnosis and now want to cover it up.  The whole time with John F. Kennedy saying "seriously guys, I'm just fine."  Even today, he's actually perfectly fine, trying to explain to people that he's not dead, never was, and that he should be allowed to finish his term.  But the medical establishment have to big a stake in their credibility to allow the truth to come out, so everytime someone says "Hey, is't that John F. Kennedy?" they say, no, that's a duck.

Someday I hope the truth will come out.  Until then, I'm here to say things that sound crazy, but aren't, if they are true.  If they aren't true, well yeah, they're pretty crazy.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Truth About The Moon Landing

For years we have been told that the United States managed to land astronauts on the moon.  We have also been told that we didn't land astronauts on the moon, it was a hoax, perpetrated by the government in collusion with hollywood.  Maybe the actual truth lies somewhere in between.  Somewhere in a realm I like to call, the something zone.  I don't know, some kind of zone.  Like an area of weirdness.  I'll think of it later, it's not important now.  The important thing is I believe I have blown open the truth about the moon landing, and the truth is, it was slightly faked.  Let's look at the evidence:
Here is an iconic image we are all familiar with, a flag on the moon.  The standard NASA claim is that this is the location on the moon where we landed.  The fact is, that's just not possible.  Imagine that we had landed at this location on the moon.  What would have happened to that flag?  Think about it, it would have been crushed by the space ship!  I suppose you could argue that the space ship wasn't very heavy and that it's balanced on top of the flag, but if that's the case, where is it?  Wouldn't we be able to see the space ship in the photo?

No, I think the facts speak for themselves.  This is not where we landed on the moon.  We must have landed somewhere to the right or left of the flag, possibly in front of, but probably not behind.

My fellow citizens, you have been hoodwinked, but now you know better.  Spread the word.  We did not land on the moon in the exact position we were told.  We did land there, sure, and that's pretty cool.  You can also tell people that.