Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Truth About Dinosaurs

Once upon a time mighty beasts roamed the Earth, carnivores and herbivores, all enormous in size.  This was the age of the dinosaurs, before even the first primates existed, though the rough beginnings of our brains may have at this time been steering the direction of some lizards.

The atmosphere was rich with oxygen at this time, and life flourished.  It is very possible we may never have existed, this wasn't a planet where little guys like us had much of a chance, but something happened, and most of this life vanished, and quickly.  Some say a meteor struck the Earth, killing much of the life and hastening an ice age that killed the rest.

That's the story the mainstream media would have you believe anyway.  However, we here at the conspiracy nut have stumbled upon a massive cover up.  In Kentucky there is a museum that depicts humans and dinosaurs side by side.  It is a 'creationism museum', which roughly translated means 'not a museum'.  It more or less takes the position that the Flinstones got it right, including the part about housewives not wearing shoes.

Since this museum clearly establishes that dinosaurs and humans existed together, the picture of what really happened to the dinosaurs happened came into view.  Somebody murdered the dinosaurs, and the media is still trying to cover it up, using a clever tactic of bait and switch, holding out the bait of evidence and switching out opinions for facts.  Nice try media, but no sale.

Of course now that we know the dinosaurs were murdered, we have to find a suspect.  We don't have one yet, but we have noted an interesting coincidence.  Did you know Kennedy's secretary was named Dino, and Lincoln's was named Sawer?  Please let us know if that turns out to be true, it would really help us crack this case.

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Truth About the Hawaiian Goddess Pele

There is a legend that if you take a rock or sand from the beaches of Hawaii national park, you will be cursed by the goddess Pele.  It is understood that Pele views the rocks and sand on her beaches as her children, and is enraged that you should steal them from her.  Terrible tragedy befalls those who remove the rocks and sand.  The only solution is to return the rocks and sand from where they came, and that's what thousands of people do, often at great expense.

At first blush this seems kind of silly.  Starting with the first part, that Pele has had a whole lot of kids by this point and most parents would be happy if a couple of them actually went out into the world instead of staying home forever, in the sandy equivalent to the basement.  However, we here at the conspiracy nut don't stop with the first blush.  We go at least two blushes deep.

Our research indicates that all religions, everywhere, appear kind of silly.  Some of them believe in floating rivers of the damned, some of them believe in battles fought in the clouds, one of them even believes teenagers who tell them they never had sex, even though they are clearly pregnant.

As it turns out, most things look silly from the outside.  Bowling looks positively ridiculous, but it's actually pretty fun.  So, maybe it's not so ridiculous to be respectful of other beliefs.

In Vegas you can stay at the Luxor hotel, which is a pyramid.  That has always seemed like a weird kind of hotel.  The pyramids are tombs, meant to carry the dead to the afterlife.  It would be like opening a casino and calling it "The Nazarene!", with a giant statue of Jesus, and the doors to the casino are the wounds in his hands.  Once inside you would be greeted by twelve minimum wage actors dressed as apostles giving you the good news about the loosest slots in town!  And what's that?  Someone just won the big jackpot, a bag of silver coins!  I'm just saying if you looked at it from a particular point of view, it seems kind of trashy and insensitive.

Of course trashy and insensitive is relative, and that kind of is Vegas culture after all.   Maybe being garish and weird is their religious prerogative.  We should probably do a little more research, preferably at the tables.  I've got a system, or at least I believe I do, and isn't faith a wonderful thing?