Friday, September 9, 2011

The Truth About Noah's Ark

In 2010 a Chinese evangelist discovered Noah's Ark somewhere on mount Ararat in Turkey, a pretty amazing discovery, which some people are now trying to use as a tourist destination.  For those of you who don't know, Noah was the guy in the bible who made a big boat and filled it with animals.  Today we would probably have identified him as one of those weird hoarders you see on basic cable, with two of every animal, plus just lots and lots of old newspapers and collectible plates.  Back then they hadn't yet identified that a person cramming a bunch of animals into a small space is nuts.

Noah did this because God had a plan to murder everyone and he wanted Noah to watch.  I imagine Noah had a lot of terrible dreams after this was all said and done, partly because of the drowning people, and partly because of the enormous amount of scooping he must have had to do.  A have a couple cats and that can be pretty bad.

Evangelical archeologists have been searching for the ark for a long time, because the theory is finding the boat would shut a lot of people up who don't believe a guy built a boat and put every animal ever on it because god wanted to push reset on the planet.  As a side note, no profession ever inspires confidence when you add the word "evangelical" to it.  "I'm taking my car to an evangelical mechanic."  "I'm getting my appendix taken out by an evangelical doctor."  "I got a lap dance from an evangelical stripper."  Try some yourself, it's fun, although I think the last one might be kind of great.

So how do we know this is the actual ark?  Well, he found some wood, carbon dated it, and now won't show anybody the wood.  He filmed a tour of the inside of the Ark, but won't tell anybody where it is.  An interesting tidbit from the Ark.  At the entrance way to the door is a placard written in ancient Hebrew that when translated says "Bless This Mess".

So we are rightfully amazed that the Ark has been found, but here at the conspiracy nut we've made a further discovery that we think is even more amazing.  This discovery was made in 2010.  Over 40 years ago another evangelical archeologist discovered Noah's Ark in a different location in Turkey.  Between then and now, there have actually been dozens of these expeditions to find the Ark, and quite a number of them have been successful in finding the Ark, and the Ark is always in a different location, not always in Turkey, but generally in that area of the world.

So not only is Noah's Ark real, but it's still moving.  That's pretty remarkable considering how old the boat is.  The best explanation for this is that Noah, having completed his task of saving animals for future humans to eliminate, is now running a luxury cruise ship tour of Turkey.  I'm now quite sure how you book passage, but it sounds like a lot of fun.


  1. "real, but it's still moving" HAHAHAHA

    I saw "In Search Of Noah's Ark" in the theater in 1976 when I was 10 years old. I think my mom thought is was scientific. She was wrong.

  2. Do you think they'll be able to get the Noah's Ark cruise to tour Scandinavia one day? Better still, make it one of those "rock boat" where you're not only on a cruise but there's all sorts of bands too??? Well, if they insisted on Christian Rock, that wouldn't be so cool...

  3. In Search Noah's Ark is one of the best shlock science films ever. So unabashedly shameless.

    I love the idea of the Christian rock band touring on this.

  4. Of course we lost a couple of interns in the research of this project, but here at the Conspiracy Nut we're willing to make the sacrifices. Incidentally, we're looking for some new interns.