Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Truth About Dinosaurs

Once upon a time mighty beasts roamed the Earth, carnivores and herbivores, all enormous in size.  This was the age of the dinosaurs, before even the first primates existed, though the rough beginnings of our brains may have at this time been steering the direction of some lizards.

The atmosphere was rich with oxygen at this time, and life flourished.  It is very possible we may never have existed, this wasn't a planet where little guys like us had much of a chance, but something happened, and most of this life vanished, and quickly.  Some say a meteor struck the Earth, killing much of the life and hastening an ice age that killed the rest.

That's the story the mainstream media would have you believe anyway.  However, we here at the conspiracy nut have stumbled upon a massive cover up.  In Kentucky there is a museum that depicts humans and dinosaurs side by side.  It is a 'creationism museum', which roughly translated means 'not a museum'.  It more or less takes the position that the Flinstones got it right, including the part about housewives not wearing shoes.

Since this museum clearly establishes that dinosaurs and humans existed together, the picture of what really happened to the dinosaurs happened came into view.  Somebody murdered the dinosaurs, and the media is still trying to cover it up, using a clever tactic of bait and switch, holding out the bait of evidence and switching out opinions for facts.  Nice try media, but no sale.

Of course now that we know the dinosaurs were murdered, we have to find a suspect.  We don't have one yet, but we have noted an interesting coincidence.  Did you know Kennedy's secretary was named Dino, and Lincoln's was named Sawer?  Please let us know if that turns out to be true, it would really help us crack this case.

Friday, December 2, 2011

The Truth About the Hawaiian Goddess Pele

There is a legend that if you take a rock or sand from the beaches of Hawaii national park, you will be cursed by the goddess Pele.  It is understood that Pele views the rocks and sand on her beaches as her children, and is enraged that you should steal them from her.  Terrible tragedy befalls those who remove the rocks and sand.  The only solution is to return the rocks and sand from where they came, and that's what thousands of people do, often at great expense.

At first blush this seems kind of silly.  Starting with the first part, that Pele has had a whole lot of kids by this point and most parents would be happy if a couple of them actually went out into the world instead of staying home forever, in the sandy equivalent to the basement.  However, we here at the conspiracy nut don't stop with the first blush.  We go at least two blushes deep.

Our research indicates that all religions, everywhere, appear kind of silly.  Some of them believe in floating rivers of the damned, some of them believe in battles fought in the clouds, one of them even believes teenagers who tell them they never had sex, even though they are clearly pregnant.

As it turns out, most things look silly from the outside.  Bowling looks positively ridiculous, but it's actually pretty fun.  So, maybe it's not so ridiculous to be respectful of other beliefs.

In Vegas you can stay at the Luxor hotel, which is a pyramid.  That has always seemed like a weird kind of hotel.  The pyramids are tombs, meant to carry the dead to the afterlife.  It would be like opening a casino and calling it "The Nazarene!", with a giant statue of Jesus, and the doors to the casino are the wounds in his hands.  Once inside you would be greeted by twelve minimum wage actors dressed as apostles giving you the good news about the loosest slots in town!  And what's that?  Someone just won the big jackpot, a bag of silver coins!  I'm just saying if you looked at it from a particular point of view, it seems kind of trashy and insensitive.

Of course trashy and insensitive is relative, and that kind of is Vegas culture after all.   Maybe being garish and weird is their religious prerogative.  We should probably do a little more research, preferably at the tables.  I've got a system, or at least I believe I do, and isn't faith a wonderful thing?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Truth About Evolution

A long time ago there were dinosaurs on this little planet of ours.  Some of them ate plants, some of them ate meat, none of them ate cave men, because there were no cave men in their neighborhood.  Some years later there were cave men, they ate everything except dinosaurs, because there were no dinosaurs in their neighborhood, and because cave men have no manners. 

A little while later some of these cave men moved out of caves into suburbs and then they discovered dinosaur bones and man were they mad.  These bones were mentioned nowhere in their bible, and for these particular primates, that was a problem.  Other primates seemed to have no issue with it, but these particular primates thought no mention in their book meant their god was either a poor tracker of details, or worse yet, not there at all.  Thus a conspiracy was born, that the bones were left here by Satan.

We've been doing a lot of research here at the conspiracy nut on this particular theory, and we have discovered reasons to doubt it.  The main one being oil.  It is apparent to us that god wants us to drill for oil, wherever and whenever we find it.  If it's under your good grannies grave, by god, we need to dig her up and drill.  Oil comes from dinosaurs and other long dead organic life, ergo, dinosaurs come from god.

So the actual conspiracy is, why are these particular cave men so mad about dinosaurs and evolution?  And be sure, they are mad.  They've spent millions of dollars propagating false information about evolution, including creating "museums" that show dinosaurs living with cave men.  They've enlisted their brightest minds, including Kirk Cameron no less, to promote this nonsense.

We here at the conspiracy nut have finally developed a reasonable explanation for their behavior.  Cave men, as I mentioned, eat everything.  You name it, they eat it.  That's why we did so well as a species.  What's on our menu?  Point in any direction, get that thing, kill it and eat it.  But we never got to eat a dinosaur.  They were giant things, filled to the brim with meat, and we never got to kill and eat one.

As a possible solution to this mess, I'm suggesting we stack 10 cows on top of each other's shoulders, teach them to roar majestically, and shoot them.  Then the creationists can do what Americans do best, and eat their feelings.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Truth About Obama

The most amazing thing about the conspiracy about Obama's birth certificate is how it won't go away.  It has never mattered what kind of birth certificate he produces, it will never be enough.  There are those who will continue to say he was not born in this country.  He wasn't, of course, he was born in Hawaii, which is not really in this country, although it is part of our country, just not the part full of howlies like myself.

For a while the demand was for a long form birth certificate, which as you may remember, is a thing nobody ever heard of before.  One theory we have investigated here at the conspiracy nut is that the demand for a long form birth certificate was brought about because members of the tea party, generally the people who demand the long form birth certificate, wanted it for historical purposes and because they like to read.  As it turns out, both of these things are not true.  History and reading are for elitists and homosexuals, not real Americans, who are not elitists and are generally closeted.

A long form birth certificate was produced, and yet still today there are those who believe it is fake, and that Obama was not born in this country.  The argument seems pretty much to boil down to a couple things.  One, he has some relatives from Kenya, two, he's black.  Upon investigation it seems that both these points are true.

Obama has actually produced far more birth certificates than any other President has ever been asked for, and yet the doubt of his birth place persists.  Clearly these people can't simply be racist idiots who don't like an uppity President.  Clearly the things they have said in rallies, in print and on television that sound pretty racist can't possible be racist.  There must be something else to it.

We've done some research here at the Conspiracy Nut, and it turns out the conspiracy goes deeper than you thought.  In the history of our country, based on birth certificates, we have reason to doubt that any president has ever been born in this country.  Even worse, we now can't be sure that any of them were old enough to be president, as we have yet to see a long form driver's license or birthday cake.

Many, if not all, of our presidents were probably felons as well, which would disqualify them from office.  Not one has produced a document confirming that they never robbed a bank, killed a train conductor, or sodomized a duck.  Without long form documentation, we must assume they have done at least two of those things.

These are ugly truths, but we must face the facts no matter how painful or how ridiculous they may seem to people paying attention.  Finally, it must be admitted that there is no Idaho, until someone can produce a long form potato.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

TheTruth About Martin Luther King Jr.

We here at the Conspiracy Nut deal mainly in absurdity.  We believe in the truth of absurdity, but today I would like to put our primary mission away, and get slightly less absurd, and talk about the conspiracy of who killed Dr. King.

James Earl Ray, it is said, is the guy who pulled the trigger.  The conspiracy goes that he either didn't do it at all, or he didn't act alone.  James Earl Ray himself said he didn't kill Dr. King.  Of course James Earl Ray also said he did kill Dr. King, which I suppose means he both did and didn't, which is a pretty impressive trick for such a small man.

We here at the Conspiracy Nut have reason to suspect that he didn't act alone.  Or to be more accurate, I believe he didn't act alone.  Dr. King was a Christian, so I think I would like to look at his philosophy, his faith.

A Christian minister was once asked who killed Jesus.  Now it's a matter of public record that blame often falls on the shoulders of the Jews for reasons that don't make any sense.  This particular minister didn't blame Jews, or Romans, his answer was that he had killed Jesus.  The person asking the question as well, he had also killed Jesus.  We collectively had killed Jesus.  Through our own unwillingness to love our neighbor as ourselves, we killed him.  I don't know about all that, I'm a Jew, but I can't deny we are mostly bastards to each other, and we need to do better.

So the truth is, the very unfunny truth, we collectively, as Americans, killed Dr. King.  Our nation set the bullet in motion by compromising the ideals of the constitution on day one and failing to admit the criminality of slavery.  The bullet continued on its way when we freed the slaves, only to create a new kind of bondage, failing to provide justice to these now "free" men, who couldn't get fair jobs or vote, and who were often murdered without justice being served.

And that bullet continues to move, cutting down men and women of all races in this country even today, as people continue to promote inequality in 2011, ignoring the poor, and pretending to be Christian all the while.

You want to know the crazy conspiracy at the heart of it?  We pretend our founding fathers were good, and were just products of their time.  We pretend the men and women of the civil war era made a breakthrough, but, products of their time, could only go so far.  A conspiracy is when two or more people agree to a secret.  No man, ever, has really believed slavery was just.  That is a lie men tell so they can indulge in evil.  Our founding fathers knew it, the south during the civil war knew it, and men in white hoods know it.  Those screaming the loudest are generally the ones with the guiltiest hearts.

It seems to me it might be time to stop killing him, and start loving your neighbor.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Truth About Noah's Ark

In 2010 a Chinese evangelist discovered Noah's Ark somewhere on mount Ararat in Turkey, a pretty amazing discovery, which some people are now trying to use as a tourist destination.  For those of you who don't know, Noah was the guy in the bible who made a big boat and filled it with animals.  Today we would probably have identified him as one of those weird hoarders you see on basic cable, with two of every animal, plus just lots and lots of old newspapers and collectible plates.  Back then they hadn't yet identified that a person cramming a bunch of animals into a small space is nuts.

Noah did this because God had a plan to murder everyone and he wanted Noah to watch.  I imagine Noah had a lot of terrible dreams after this was all said and done, partly because of the drowning people, and partly because of the enormous amount of scooping he must have had to do.  A have a couple cats and that can be pretty bad.

Evangelical archeologists have been searching for the ark for a long time, because the theory is finding the boat would shut a lot of people up who don't believe a guy built a boat and put every animal ever on it because god wanted to push reset on the planet.  As a side note, no profession ever inspires confidence when you add the word "evangelical" to it.  "I'm taking my car to an evangelical mechanic."  "I'm getting my appendix taken out by an evangelical doctor."  "I got a lap dance from an evangelical stripper."  Try some yourself, it's fun, although I think the last one might be kind of great.

So how do we know this is the actual ark?  Well, he found some wood, carbon dated it, and now won't show anybody the wood.  He filmed a tour of the inside of the Ark, but won't tell anybody where it is.  An interesting tidbit from the Ark.  At the entrance way to the door is a placard written in ancient Hebrew that when translated says "Bless This Mess".

So we are rightfully amazed that the Ark has been found, but here at the conspiracy nut we've made a further discovery that we think is even more amazing.  This discovery was made in 2010.  Over 40 years ago another evangelical archeologist discovered Noah's Ark in a different location in Turkey.  Between then and now, there have actually been dozens of these expeditions to find the Ark, and quite a number of them have been successful in finding the Ark, and the Ark is always in a different location, not always in Turkey, but generally in that area of the world.

So not only is Noah's Ark real, but it's still moving.  That's pretty remarkable considering how old the boat is.  The best explanation for this is that Noah, having completed his task of saving animals for future humans to eliminate, is now running a luxury cruise ship tour of Turkey.  I'm now quite sure how you book passage, but it sounds like a lot of fun.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Truth About Nostradamus

Nostradamus was a French prognosticator who has garnered a huge following.  In modern times his writings have never been out of print, and numerous television shows and magazine articles have been produced examining his writings.  The most convincing part of the television shows I find is always the guy in an old timey costume writing from an ink-well by candle light.  You can't make stuff like that up.

That said, the list of things he is said to have predicted is amazing.  He is said to have predicted many things, including World War II, the holocaust, 9/11, the French Revolution and the moon landing.  All of those things happened, you can look them up, although some people believe not all of them happened, which we will discuss in a future edition.

I think we can all agree that since these things happened, and since people have been able to find these things in his writings, through a combination of interpretations and not understanding French, Nostradamus clearly was a psychic.  However, that's not the end of the story.  My staff and I have uncovered a startling truth.  Based on his predictions, Nostradamus was a real prick.

Each and every one of Nostradamus' predictions have only been revealed after the thing happened.  I know I would have liked a little bit of a heads up about 9/11, but it was only in the months after that people realized he had predicted it.  Same with the holocaust, the French Revolution and the moon landing.  With a little bit of warning we could have prevented the tragedy of the moon landing, but nope, Nostradamus kept that to himself until after the fact.  What a jerk.

Nostradamus it turns out is that friend who asks you at 2:30 to go to a movie that starts at 2:15.  Even if you hurry you won't see the previews and you'll probably miss the opening credits at least.  "Hey guys" Nostradamus said, "Did you hear 7-11 is giving away free slurpees all day?"  "Really?", I said, "that's awesome, I love slurpees." "Yeah, but you better hurry, it's only good for yesterday."  "G-d damn it, Nostradamus, you do this every time."

So there you have it.  Nostradamus:  Poet, prognosticate, psychic, and shitty friend.