Friday, August 19, 2011

The Truth About Nostradamus

Nostradamus was a French prognosticator who has garnered a huge following.  In modern times his writings have never been out of print, and numerous television shows and magazine articles have been produced examining his writings.  The most convincing part of the television shows I find is always the guy in an old timey costume writing from an ink-well by candle light.  You can't make stuff like that up.

That said, the list of things he is said to have predicted is amazing.  He is said to have predicted many things, including World War II, the holocaust, 9/11, the French Revolution and the moon landing.  All of those things happened, you can look them up, although some people believe not all of them happened, which we will discuss in a future edition.

I think we can all agree that since these things happened, and since people have been able to find these things in his writings, through a combination of interpretations and not understanding French, Nostradamus clearly was a psychic.  However, that's not the end of the story.  My staff and I have uncovered a startling truth.  Based on his predictions, Nostradamus was a real prick.

Each and every one of Nostradamus' predictions have only been revealed after the thing happened.  I know I would have liked a little bit of a heads up about 9/11, but it was only in the months after that people realized he had predicted it.  Same with the holocaust, the French Revolution and the moon landing.  With a little bit of warning we could have prevented the tragedy of the moon landing, but nope, Nostradamus kept that to himself until after the fact.  What a jerk.

Nostradamus it turns out is that friend who asks you at 2:30 to go to a movie that starts at 2:15.  Even if you hurry you won't see the previews and you'll probably miss the opening credits at least.  "Hey guys" Nostradamus said, "Did you hear 7-11 is giving away free slurpees all day?"  "Really?", I said, "that's awesome, I love slurpees." "Yeah, but you better hurry, it's only good for yesterday."  "G-d damn it, Nostradamus, you do this every time."

So there you have it.  Nostradamus:  Poet, prognosticate, psychic, and shitty friend.

1 comment:

  1. Nostradamus saw the inside job on 911 in his epistle to henry II when he said "the blood of the innocents will be profusely spilled by the guilty ones recently elected" and about the bush admin when he says in Century 6, Quatrain 90 that:
    The stinking abominable disgrace,
    After the deed he will be congratulated:
    The great excuse for not being favorable,
    That Neptune ( Great Britain ) will not be persuaded to peace.

    Nostradamus said that Russia and the USA are going to duke it out followed by china cleaning house in Europe followed by the 25-27 years war of the 3rd antichrist in which the army of bel from the prophet Jeremiah which will torch Europe and occupy Isreal after which the army of the Lord of Hosts ( Annu and Enlil, the head gods of the Annunaki and the god of the Jews with his extra terrestrial space craft warships ); remember that Isaiah warned that "the army of the Lord will defend Israel THROUGH THE AIR!