Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Truth About Evolution

A long time ago there were dinosaurs on this little planet of ours.  Some of them ate plants, some of them ate meat, none of them ate cave men, because there were no cave men in their neighborhood.  Some years later there were cave men, they ate everything except dinosaurs, because there were no dinosaurs in their neighborhood, and because cave men have no manners. 

A little while later some of these cave men moved out of caves into suburbs and then they discovered dinosaur bones and man were they mad.  These bones were mentioned nowhere in their bible, and for these particular primates, that was a problem.  Other primates seemed to have no issue with it, but these particular primates thought no mention in their book meant their god was either a poor tracker of details, or worse yet, not there at all.  Thus a conspiracy was born, that the bones were left here by Satan.

We've been doing a lot of research here at the conspiracy nut on this particular theory, and we have discovered reasons to doubt it.  The main one being oil.  It is apparent to us that god wants us to drill for oil, wherever and whenever we find it.  If it's under your good grannies grave, by god, we need to dig her up and drill.  Oil comes from dinosaurs and other long dead organic life, ergo, dinosaurs come from god.

So the actual conspiracy is, why are these particular cave men so mad about dinosaurs and evolution?  And be sure, they are mad.  They've spent millions of dollars propagating false information about evolution, including creating "museums" that show dinosaurs living with cave men.  They've enlisted their brightest minds, including Kirk Cameron no less, to promote this nonsense.

We here at the conspiracy nut have finally developed a reasonable explanation for their behavior.  Cave men, as I mentioned, eat everything.  You name it, they eat it.  That's why we did so well as a species.  What's on our menu?  Point in any direction, get that thing, kill it and eat it.  But we never got to eat a dinosaur.  They were giant things, filled to the brim with meat, and we never got to kill and eat one.

As a possible solution to this mess, I'm suggesting we stack 10 cows on top of each other's shoulders, teach them to roar majestically, and shoot them.  Then the creationists can do what Americans do best, and eat their feelings.

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