Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Truth About Obama

The most amazing thing about the conspiracy about Obama's birth certificate is how it won't go away.  It has never mattered what kind of birth certificate he produces, it will never be enough.  There are those who will continue to say he was not born in this country.  He wasn't, of course, he was born in Hawaii, which is not really in this country, although it is part of our country, just not the part full of howlies like myself.

For a while the demand was for a long form birth certificate, which as you may remember, is a thing nobody ever heard of before.  One theory we have investigated here at the conspiracy nut is that the demand for a long form birth certificate was brought about because members of the tea party, generally the people who demand the long form birth certificate, wanted it for historical purposes and because they like to read.  As it turns out, both of these things are not true.  History and reading are for elitists and homosexuals, not real Americans, who are not elitists and are generally closeted.

A long form birth certificate was produced, and yet still today there are those who believe it is fake, and that Obama was not born in this country.  The argument seems pretty much to boil down to a couple things.  One, he has some relatives from Kenya, two, he's black.  Upon investigation it seems that both these points are true.

Obama has actually produced far more birth certificates than any other President has ever been asked for, and yet the doubt of his birth place persists.  Clearly these people can't simply be racist idiots who don't like an uppity President.  Clearly the things they have said in rallies, in print and on television that sound pretty racist can't possible be racist.  There must be something else to it.

We've done some research here at the Conspiracy Nut, and it turns out the conspiracy goes deeper than you thought.  In the history of our country, based on birth certificates, we have reason to doubt that any president has ever been born in this country.  Even worse, we now can't be sure that any of them were old enough to be president, as we have yet to see a long form driver's license or birthday cake.

Many, if not all, of our presidents were probably felons as well, which would disqualify them from office.  Not one has produced a document confirming that they never robbed a bank, killed a train conductor, or sodomized a duck.  Without long form documentation, we must assume they have done at least two of those things.

These are ugly truths, but we must face the facts no matter how painful or how ridiculous they may seem to people paying attention.  Finally, it must be admitted that there is no Idaho, until someone can produce a long form potato.

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