Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Truth About Global Warming

Full disclosure:  As I write this there is a light on in the other room, and the only body in the other room is my cat.  I hope my cat is reading, otherwise, that's kind of a waste of energy.  That said, I'm not burning the extra energy because I do or don't believe in global warming.  I'm burning it because if it is happening, based on observation of my fellow homosapiens, it probably can't happen fast enough, and I want to do my part.

The global warming conspiracy is one of the simpler conspiracies to understand.  "The planet is getting warmer, we have something to do with that."  "No it isn't, and no we don't."  That's the conspiracy.  As simple as it is to describe, what's not so simple is the list of co-conspirators.  Let's start with the thermometer, which has been fueling this conspiracy with years of false data.  We've been able to count on the thermometer to tell us the temperature, but somebody got to it, and now the integrity of mercury is at question.  I don't know what mercury wants, money, fame, sex, but somebody does.

Even more amazing is the participation of polar bears.  Against their own self interests, polar bears are apparently eliminating a lot of the ice they count on for survival, just to create the illusion that climate change is happening.  It's like I've always said, polar bears are dicks.  It may seem incredible to imagine a polar bear doing something like this, when it clearly works against them, but then again, every year some poor person votes Republican, so we know it at least has precedent.

Of course the brush fires can be attributed to arson, that's easy.  Likewise, droughts are probably being created by the same people or animals responsible for the fires.  I'm not entirely sure how they are doing it, but I think they probably just left a faucet on somewhere.

Okay, so we have our conspiracy, that's a given.  We have accomplices to the conspiracy, revealed my me, to you, you're welcome.  However, we have a bigger question to answer now.  Who is behind the conspiracy?  To put it another, more sinister way, who has the most to gain from creating a warming trend on our planet that isn't actually happening?  After much careful thought and research, the answer seems clear.  It's the Bonobo.

The Bonobo are one of our closest primate relatives, yet they never call, preferring to stick with their friends.  Clearly they are bucking for top food chain status, and given their short stature, a direct assault isn't practical.  Their best bet would be to compromise the food chain, since they know we haven't quite mastered the notion of cooperation, and ultimately we'll eliminate ourselves in that new environment.  Then they'll be free to swoop in, eat fruit, have lots of sex and share stuff with each other like the liberal wack jobs they are.

So what do we do, now that we've identified the threat Bonobos pose?  Immediate actions don't come to mind, but I take solace in the fact that one by one we've been able to eliminate a lot of species, so I think experience is on our side.  If there's one thing we're good at, it's killing things.


  1. I can hear you say this like we were sitting at Marie Calendar's over breakfast.

    Thanks for sticking it to the Bonobos! They had one coming!
    ... one what... I don't know...

  2. I often lament the days of those breakfasts. So ridiculously funny and warm. Love you more than you know.