Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Truth About Elvis Presley

I remember the day Elvis died pretty vividly.  First, I remember that I was kind of a fan before he died.  Then I remember being a really big fan after he died, buying a lot of crap, including "collector" magazines with recycled publicity photos.  (The word "collector" should be legally protected, the way France protects the word "Champagne".) That kind of thing happens when people die, famous people more so.  When Michael Jackson passed you saw a similar phenomena.  Anything about the person that made you uncomfortable or angry before seemed instantly small, because they were presumed dead, and as such, pretty harmless.  I'm still an Elvis fan, I just don't own as much crap.

The rumor about Elvis is that he never actually died.  The speculation is that he faked his own death, having tired of the trappings of fame.  From what I know about Elvis, he's definitely a guy who didn't enjoy being famous, and he certainly didn't enjoy the life of excess it affords you, because one thing we can say for sure about Elvis, he was restrained.  

The evidence for Elvis still being alive is sparse.  For one thing, no Elvis.  If he were alive, we would expect an Elvis.  Consider the case of Tim Robbins.  If you ever thought Tim Robbins were dead, you would be proved wrong by the over abundance of Tim Robbins.  We currently have as much Tim Robbins in our country, possibly more, as any other time in our history.  

However we shouldn't discount the possibility outright.  We should take into account the circumstances not of his death, but immediately following his death, for they do suggest some kind of cover up.  Let's consider first, who Elvis Presley was (is).  Elvis is the king of rock and roll.  This is a crown he acquired in the 1950's and held onto until his alleged passing.  Assuming he died, what happened to his crown?

All monarchies work in more or less the same way.  When the king passes away, an heir takes his place on the thrown.  Of course Elvis never sired a son, he had a daughter, yet she was never declared Queen and never took her rightful place as ruler of Memphis.  Currently Memphis remains as lawless as it became in the first weeks after the king disappeared.  Pirates roam the waters surrounding Memphis with brazen abandon, and what is the only safe haven in Memphis?  Graceland.  Is it possible the King is still there, trying to sire a son?  Or, was the royal family forced into exile, planning their return once support has been marshaled? 

The political silence from the governments of the world is deafening.  Have you ever heard the President mention this issue once?  Have you ever even heard anyone in recent memory reference Memphis as an independent kingdom?  The very fact that I have referenced it here should tell you something about the veracity of the claims.  These things are written down, and therefore likely to be true, or at least truly written down.  Rest assured, I will continue to raise my voice until the rightful king is returned to the thrown, or until I find something else to do.  I promise.


  1. I believe he is hiding in plane site in Las Vegas. Everywhere you look is an Elvis. The real one would not be noticed at all. Except he would be older and fatter then most of them...

  2. I think that's a good theory, and as such I've dispatched a conspiracy nut team member to Las Vegas to investigate. He'll be staying somewhere off the strip, budget restraints and all, but along with the investigation, I've instructed him to put $5 on black in your name.