The Truth About Evolution

A long time ago there were dinosaurs on this little planet of ours.  Some of them ate plants, some of them ate meat, none of them ate cave men, because there were no cave men in their neighborhood.  Some years later there were cave men, they ate everything except dinosaurs, because there were no dinosaurs in their neighborhood, and because cave men have no manners. 

A little while later some of these cave men moved out of caves into suburbs and then they discovered dinosaur bones and man were they mad.  These bones were mentioned nowhere in their bible, and for these particular primates, that was a problem.  Other primates seemed to have no issue with it, but these particular primates thought no mention in their book meant their god was either a poor tracker of details, or worse yet, not there at all.  Thus a conspiracy was born, that the bones were left here by Satan.

We've been doing a lot of research here at the conspiracy nut on this particular theory, and we have discovered reasons to doubt it.  The main one being oil.  It is apparent to us that god wants us to drill for oil, wherever and whenever we find it.  If it's under your good grannies grave, by god, we need to dig her up and drill.  Oil comes from dinosaurs and other long dead organic life, ergo, dinosaurs come from god.

So the actual conspiracy is, why are these particular cave men so mad about dinosaurs and evolution?  And be sure, they are mad.  They've spent millions of dollars propagating false information about evolution, including creating "museums" that show dinosaurs living with cave men.  They've enlisted their brightest minds, including Kirk Cameron no less, to promote this nonsense.

We here at the conspiracy nut have finally developed a reasonable explanation for their behavior.  Cave men, as I mentioned, eat everything.  You name it, they eat it.  That's why we did so well as a species.  What's on our menu?  Point in any direction, get that thing, kill it and eat it.  But we never got to eat a dinosaur.  They were giant things, filled to the brim with meat, and we never got to kill and eat one.

As a possible solution to this mess, I'm suggesting we stack 10 cows on top of each other's shoulders, teach them to roar majestically, and shoot them.  Then the creationists can do what Americans do best, and eat their feelings.

The Truth About Obama

The most amazing thing about the conspiracy about Obama's birth certificate is how it won't go away.  It has never mattered what kind of birth certificate he produces, it will never be enough.  There are those who will continue to say he was not born in this country.  He wasn't, of course, he was born in Hawaii, which is not really in this country, although it is part of our country, just not the part full of howlies like myself.

For a while the demand was for a long form birth certificate, which as you may remember, is a thing nobody ever heard of before.  One theory we have investigated here at the conspiracy nut is that the demand for a long form birth certificate was brought about because members of the tea party, generally the people who demand the long form birth certificate, wanted it for historical purposes and because they like to read.  As it turns out, both of these things are not true.  History and reading are for elitists and homosexuals, not real Americans, who are not elitists and are generally closeted.

A long form birth certificate was produced, and yet still today there are those who believe it is fake, and that Obama was not born in this country.  The argument seems pretty much to boil down to a couple things.  One, he has some relatives from Kenya, two, he's black.  Upon investigation it seems that both these points are true.

Obama has actually produced far more birth certificates than any other President has ever been asked for, and yet the doubt of his birth place persists.  Clearly these people can't simply be racist idiots who don't like an uppity President.  Clearly the things they have said in rallies, in print and on television that sound pretty racist can't possible be racist.  There must be something else to it.

We've done some research here at the Conspiracy Nut, and it turns out the conspiracy goes deeper than you thought.  In the history of our country, based on birth certificates, we have reason to doubt that any president has ever been born in this country.  Even worse, we now can't be sure that any of them were old enough to be president, as we have yet to see a long form driver's license or birthday cake.

Many, if not all, of our presidents were probably felons as well, which would disqualify them from office.  Not one has produced a document confirming that they never robbed a bank, killed a train conductor, or sodomized a duck.  Without long form documentation, we must assume they have done at least two of those things.

These are ugly truths, but we must face the facts no matter how painful or how ridiculous they may seem to people paying attention.  Finally, it must be admitted that there is no Idaho, until someone can produce a long form potato.

TheTruth About Martin Luther King Jr.

We here at the Conspiracy Nut deal mainly in absurdity.  We believe in the truth of absurdity, but today I would like to put our primary mission away, and get slightly less absurd, and talk about the conspiracy of who killed Dr. King.

James Earl Ray, it is said, is the guy who pulled the trigger.  The conspiracy goes that he either didn't do it at all, or he didn't act alone.  James Earl Ray himself said he didn't kill Dr. King.  Of course James Earl Ray also said he did kill Dr. King, which I suppose means he both did and didn't, which is a pretty impressive trick for such a small man.

We here at the Conspiracy Nut have reason to suspect that he didn't act alone.  Or to be more accurate, I believe he didn't act alone.  Dr. King was a Christian, so I think I would like to look at his philosophy, his faith.

A Christian minister was once asked who killed Jesus.  Now it's a matter of public record that blame often falls on the shoulders of the Jews for reasons that don't make any sense.  This particular minister didn't blame Jews, or Romans, his answer was that he had killed Jesus.  The person asking the question as well, he had also killed Jesus.  We collectively had killed Jesus.  Through our own unwillingness to love our neighbor as ourselves, we killed him.  I don't know about all that, I'm a Jew, but I can't deny we are mostly bastards to each other, and we need to do better.

So the truth is, the very unfunny truth, we collectively, as Americans, killed Dr. King.  Our nation set the bullet in motion by compromising the ideals of the constitution on day one and failing to admit the criminality of slavery.  The bullet continued on its way when we freed the slaves, only to create a new kind of bondage, failing to provide justice to these now "free" men, who couldn't get fair jobs or vote, and who were often murdered without justice being served.

And that bullet continues to move, cutting down men and women of all races in this country even today, as people continue to promote inequality in 2011, ignoring the poor, and pretending to be Christian all the while.

You want to know the crazy conspiracy at the heart of it?  We pretend our founding fathers were good, and were just products of their time.  We pretend the men and women of the civil war era made a breakthrough, but, products of their time, could only go so far.  A conspiracy is when two or more people agree to a secret.  No man, ever, has really believed slavery was just.  That is a lie men tell so they can indulge in evil.  Our founding fathers knew it, the south during the civil war knew it, and men in white hoods know it.  Those screaming the loudest are generally the ones with the guiltiest hearts.

It seems to me it might be time to stop killing him, and start loving your neighbor.

The Truth About Noah's Ark

In 2010 a Chinese evangelist discovered Noah's Ark somewhere on mount Ararat in Turkey, a pretty amazing discovery, which some people are now trying to use as a tourist destination.  For those of you who don't know, Noah was the guy in the bible who made a big boat and filled it with animals.  Today we would probably have identified him as one of those weird hoarders you see on basic cable, with two of every animal, plus just lots and lots of old newspapers and collectible plates.  Back then they hadn't yet identified that a person cramming a bunch of animals into a small space is nuts.

Noah did this because God had a plan to murder everyone and he wanted Noah to watch.  I imagine Noah had a lot of terrible dreams after this was all said and done, partly because of the drowning people, and partly because of the enormous amount of scooping he must have had to do.  A have a couple cats and that can be pretty bad.

Evangelical archeologists have been searching for the ark for a long time, because the theory is finding the boat would shut a lot of people up who don't believe a guy built a boat and put every animal ever on it because god wanted to push reset on the planet.  As a side note, no profession ever inspires confidence when you add the word "evangelical" to it.  "I'm taking my car to an evangelical mechanic."  "I'm getting my appendix taken out by an evangelical doctor."  "I got a lap dance from an evangelical stripper."  Try some yourself, it's fun, although I think the last one might be kind of great.

So how do we know this is the actual ark?  Well, he found some wood, carbon dated it, and now won't show anybody the wood.  He filmed a tour of the inside of the Ark, but won't tell anybody where it is.  An interesting tidbit from the Ark.  At the entrance way to the door is a placard written in ancient Hebrew that when translated says "Bless This Mess".

So we are rightfully amazed that the Ark has been found, but here at the conspiracy nut we've made a further discovery that we think is even more amazing.  This discovery was made in 2010.  Over 40 years ago another evangelical archeologist discovered Noah's Ark in a different location in Turkey.  Between then and now, there have actually been dozens of these expeditions to find the Ark, and quite a number of them have been successful in finding the Ark, and the Ark is always in a different location, not always in Turkey, but generally in that area of the world.

So not only is Noah's Ark real, but it's still moving.  That's pretty remarkable considering how old the boat is.  The best explanation for this is that Noah, having completed his task of saving animals for future humans to eliminate, is now running a luxury cruise ship tour of Turkey.  I'm now quite sure how you book passage, but it sounds like a lot of fun.

The Truth About Nostradamus

Nostradamus was a French prognosticator who has garnered a huge following.  In modern times his writings have never been out of print, and numerous television shows and magazine articles have been produced examining his writings.  The most convincing part of the television shows I find is always the guy in an old timey costume writing from an ink-well by candle light.  You can't make stuff like that up.

That said, the list of things he is said to have predicted is amazing.  He is said to have predicted many things, including World War II, the holocaust, 9/11, the French Revolution and the moon landing.  All of those things happened, you can look them up, although some people believe not all of them happened, which we will discuss in a future edition.

I think we can all agree that since these things happened, and since people have been able to find these things in his writings, through a combination of interpretations and not understanding French, Nostradamus clearly was a psychic.  However, that's not the end of the story.  My staff and I have uncovered a startling truth.  Based on his predictions, Nostradamus was a real prick.

Each and every one of Nostradamus' predictions have only been revealed after the thing happened.  I know I would have liked a little bit of a heads up about 9/11, but it was only in the months after that people realized he had predicted it.  Same with the holocaust, the French Revolution and the moon landing.  With a little bit of warning we could have prevented the tragedy of the moon landing, but nope, Nostradamus kept that to himself until after the fact.  What a jerk.

Nostradamus it turns out is that friend who asks you at 2:30 to go to a movie that starts at 2:15.  Even if you hurry you won't see the previews and you'll probably miss the opening credits at least.  "Hey guys" Nostradamus said, "Did you hear 7-11 is giving away free slurpees all day?"  "Really?", I said, "that's awesome, I love slurpees." "Yeah, but you better hurry, it's only good for yesterday."  "G-d damn it, Nostradamus, you do this every time."

So there you have it.  Nostradamus:  Poet, prognosticate, psychic, and shitty friend.

The Truth About Three Men and a Baby

There are a lot of great conspiracies out there, but one of the better ones regards the 1987 film three men and a baby.  It's great because unlike conspiracies about Jews, the moon landing, the assassination of Kennedy or the Lindberg baby, this is about something really important, a comedy from 1987 that made a little bit of money.

The primary conspiracy is this:  The ghost of a young boy appears in the film.  This young boy is said to have committed suicide in the home that was used for the filming of the movie.  Right away we can see one flaw in this particular conspiracy.  I don't believe any ghost would want to be seen in the movie "Three Men and a Baby" considering that some of the stars of said film don't either.  Also, this wasn't a home, it was a set, and ever since Jackie Coogan, studios aren't allowed to raise children on sets.

However, that doesn't mean there wasn't a ghost.  What seems more likely based on research by my staff is that a stage hand committed suicide during the actual filming.  Consider the evidence.  During the months this film was in production, that stage hand would have been subjected to Tom Selleck and Steve Guttenberg trying to be funny.  The real mystery is why that film isn't littered with suicide ghosts, having only the one.  The fact that Ted Danson, who actually is pretty funny, survived is a miracle.

Another conspiracy is raised, layered within this conspiracy.  Did you know that this film is considered a comedy?  That's right.  Despite the clear presence of a Steve Guttenberg, this film is considered a comedy, not a cinematic cautionary tale.  To this very day, the film appears under "comedy" in numerous publications and movie rental outlets.  Oddly enough, that in and of itself, is pretty funny.

The Truth About Shakespeare

Shakespeare just might be the most famous playwright of all time penning such disparate classics as Hamlet, The Taming of the Shrew, and Henry the V: Turn Off the Dark.  It's not surprising that the Bard, as some people call him (his close friends called him "The Tard" as a joke, and he would call them gay), is the source of a long standing conspiracy theory.  According to some experts William Shakespeare was not the sole author of the plays and sonnets credited to him, with some going so far as to say he never wrote any of them.


As the argument goes, some of Shakespeare's greatest works were political in nature and could be potentially dangerous.  So a lowly actor had his name attached to the works to protect the real identity of the writer, often said to be Francis Bacon.  The main proof is that if you pick any work by Shakespeare, you can connect it directly to Francis Bacon in six plays.


As compelling as the theory is, there are some holes in the Bacon theory.  For one, not one bit of evidence has ever appeared, ever, connecting Francis Bacon to even one of Shakespeare's plays, and the only evidence, codes written into the works themselves, has turned out to be nonsense written by cranks who don't know dick about codes.  Outside of this minor quibble, the theory is pretty strong.


But if Francis Bacon didn't write Shakespeare's plays, who did?  When William Shakespeare was 46 years old, the King James bible came out. Hidden in the bible is a code connecting Shakespeare to this version of the bible, the 46th word of Psalm 46 is "shake", and the 46th word from the end of Psalm 46 is "spear".  Based on this fact we have reasonably concluded the the true author of Shakespeare's plays is the prophet Isaiah.  


As further support for this theory, consider the language of the King James bible.  It's filled with "thee's" and "thous" even though Isaiah was Jewish and would have presumably spoke primarily in Hebrew and been bad at sports.  And the simple fact that he was Jewish further eliminates Francis Bacon from consideration because he's not kosher and Francis Brisket was a terrible writer.


Of course now that you know the actual writer of Shakespeare's plays was Jewish it raises the question of just how long we've been controlling the media.